FATHERHOOD! THE ULTIMATE DEBUNKING OF SELF-INTEREST
This topic is really close to my heart as I grew up in Paarl and my parents were in Zambia. Needless to say, we didn’t go home every holiday, so I saw my parents every six months. Now that I am a father of three, I overcompensate, and I really try and be at every school and university event that I can because I know what the opposite side feels like.
There is no handbook that can explain exactly how to be a great father because every kid is different. There is no one-shot recipe that works for everybody, and that’s why parenting is so challenging yet so rewarding.
BEING AN AVAILABLE FATHER, NOT A PERFECT ONE
What I have learned over the last 21 years of being a father is that children don’t need perfect fathers; they need available fathers who are physically and emotionally engaged. None of us grew up in perfect homes, yet we still want to be perfect parents. There are no perfect parents, so take a chill pill and make sure that, at the very least, you are a father who is always there for your children.
When you as a father make mistakes, own up and apologise to your kids, and move on. You also teach them that it is OK to make mistakes, but you must take ownership.
I think many parents of my age who are now between 50 and 60 will know that our fathers never spoke about their emotions, but you always knew that they loved you. Many years ago, my father was in the car with me and I phoned my eldest son to hear how his rugby game went because we had gone to watch my youngest son play. He was on speakerphone so my dad could hear.
After our discussion ended, I said to my son, “I am so proud of you and I love you,” as we always do. After I put the phone down, my dad said to me, “Corné, I can’t remember that I ever told you that I was very proud of you.” My answer was, “Dad, you never told me you were proud of me, but I knew you were.”
There was a generation that grew up with fathers who never put their love into words, and that’s OK. However, I make a point of it to tell my kids how proud I am and that my love for them is unconditional. Sometimes you know something, but it is also good to hear it in words from the person that you love.
NAVIGATING THE CHANGING SEASONS OF PARENTING
I have also learned that five years of high school goes by so very quickly, so if you can, attend every single event. When you wipe your eyes, the five years are gone. My wife is very wise when it comes to seasons in our life, and we are in the last two years of our school phase. We have had an empty nest for the last three years and we have adapted to that.
The next step is three kids out of the house, studying and working. Now my fatherhood has changed again because I can have a glass of wine with my daughter and eldest son and discuss their plans for the future. What a privilege it is for me to see two young adults move into the world.
A CHALLENGE TO FELLOW FATHERS
Where are you in your fatherhood journey?
If I could recommend any book about parenting for boys, it would be “Raising a Modern-Day Knight” by Professor Robert Lewis. If you are a father, be present, be engaged, and love unconditionally.
GET IN TOUCH
If you would like to get in touch with me about my key note presentation, Debunking Motivation, please send an email to corne@cornekrige.com. Visit my website to review my speaker sheet for more info. I also share my story on my social media pages on Facebook and LinkedIn.